CARRIE: Once upon a long time ago, there was an island...
...some Dutch, some lndians and some beads.
And those beads led to steamboats and skyscrapers...
...Wall Street and electric lights...
...newspapers, Ellis lsland, the Yankees...
...Central Park and the first World's Fair...
...Broadway, the Chrysler Building and Studio 54.
l like to think of that as New York City B.C.:
Before Carrie.
Hi. guys.
l arrived on this island at exactly 3:30 p.m...
...on Tuesday, June 1 1th, 1986.
Oh. Oh!
Cab! Cab. cab. cab! Taxi! Ca--!
lt seems like only yesterday.
Taxi!
Thank you.
The very next year, l met Charlotte.
We were on a subway car at 2 a.m. when a homeless man dropped his pants.
Miranda and l met in 1989 at Bloomingdale's.
l was working in the dress department.
She was crying in the changing room.
-Hey. -Hey.
Hi. How are you?
l met Samantha when she was bartending at CBGB's.
[CAR HORN HONKING]
[YELLD]
-Bite me! MAN: My pIace or yours?
-Hi. -How are you?
DAMANTHA: Let's go.
Hi.
Ready?
Time is a funny thing.
A decade can flash by in an uneventful second.
And then, in just two years, monumental things can happen.
Things you couldn't imagine happening in a million years.
WeIcome to Bergdorf Goodman. May I heIp you?
Yes. our friend is getting married.
-I never thought I'd see this day. -You and me both.
HeII just froze over.
-What's the name? -Oh. BIatch. It's Dtanford BIatch.
ActuaIIy. I think they're registered under both names.
Her best gay friend is marrying my best gay friend.
-That's wonderfuI. -I know.
-Let me get the registry. -Thanks.
How did this even happen? I thought they hated each other.
It's Iike musicaI chairs. The music stopped and they were the Iast two Ieft standing.
When you thought everyone you knew was too oId to get married. here come the gays.
And so, one weekend, we all gathered at a charming inn in Connecticut...
...where the view was breathtaking...
...and the wedding was legal.
How's my tie?
-How's my tie? -Wow.
You didn't teII me you were wearing that.
WeII. I am the best man.
Oh. and you need a IittIe heIp here.
Do is a gay wedding shorter or Ionger than a straight wedding?
-Why? -Just wanna know what I'm in for.
WeII. I think the marriage ceremony is about the same...
...but I have no idea how Iong the sacrificing of the straight men wiII take.
There you go.
Don't make me Iook too good. Gay wedding.
WiII you pIease stop referring to this as a gay wedding?
WeII. isn't it a gay wedding?
WeII. yes. but it's not just a gay wedding.
It's Dtanford and Anthony's wedding.
-Mm. Got it. -Mm-hm.
Whoops. Your fIy is down.
Better Iet me. These things can be tricky.
[ZIPPER ZIPD]
You did not puII it up.
I have to be there in an hour. I'm the best man.
Then I better do my best.
Don't wanna be Iate to my first gay wedding.
This is not a gay wedding.
Wasting time taIking.
[CHEERING]
MAN: Oh. come on. you're not gonna.
CHOIR [DINGING]: lf ever l would leave you
lt wouldn't be in summer
Seeing you in summer
Okay. it's a gay wedding.
Your hair streaked with sunlight
Hey.
-Hey. -HeIIo.
-White enough? -This is what it Iooks Iike...
...when you stare directIy into the sun.
WeII. I think it's beautifuI.
Oh. this wedding is way more than beautifuI.
It's Lady Di.
-Mommy. can I go Iook at the swans? CHARLOTTE: Yes. honey.
Dure. baby. Dtay where we can see you. okay?
-Right there. LILY: Hi. swans.
CHARLOTTE: Oh. there's Damantha. Hey. -You brought your dog?
It's a gay wedding. I figured. what's one more IittIe bitch with an attitude?
You guys. shouIdn't we be a IittIe bit more PC?
ANTHONY: Char!
Anthony! Hey.
Can you beIieve this pIace?
It Iooks Iike the Dnow Queen expIoded.
-How's that for PC? -True.
Do you're not the wedding pIanner?
HeII to the no. I puIIed out when Dtanford mentioned swans.
FinaIIy. I just threw up my arms. whatever he wants. give it to him.
Aw.
Yep. Dtanford gets the wedding of his dreams and I get to cheat.
And don't give me that face. Char.
Just because I'm getting married doesn't mean I have to change who I am.
Do you're aIIowed to cheat because you're gay?
No. because I'm ItaIian.
[CHUCKLED]
Carrie. Dtanford's Iooking for you.
Cute hat.
MAN: Anthony. ANTHONY: Coming.
I don't get it. Why get married if you're gonna cheat?
WeII. he didn't say he was going to cheat. he just said he was aIIowed to cheat.
Is that how you heard it?
-WeII. it's not reaIIy any of our business. -Except. he toId us.
I'm just saying. I think every coupIe has the right to make their own ruIes.
WeII. not reaIIy. It's marriage.
-Hey. who wants a cocktaiI? -Oh. I do.
And see if they have any food. I need a IittIe nosh.
Eight years Iater. she's finaIIy a Jew.
CHOIR: There were bells on a hill
Oh. Dtanny. You're wearing white.
Like a virgin.
Touched for the very first time.
Hi.
Do. what do you think of everything?
You have swans.
-Too much? -When are swans ever too much?
I don't know what came over me.
Remember that summer when I got hooked on coke?
-Mm. -This was Iike that.
WeII. you dropped quite a bundIe.
WeII. I've been saving for this day since I was 19.
You aIways knew you were gonna get married?
Yes. I just thought it wouId be to a chubby. patient Jewish girI.
FYI. Anthony's out there teIIing peopIe he's aIIowed to cheat.
I know.
He hates the tradition so he pushes against it.
Do he is aIIowed to cheat?
Yes. but onIy in the 45 states where we're not IegaIIy married.
Okay. now you do mine.
''Carrie Preston''?
What?
Nothing. I'm just surprised not to be ''Bradshaw'' at your wedding.
The wedding pIanner said that coupIes are aIways Iisted under their married names.
Oh. that makes sense.
Are you taking Anthony's name?
No. We're guys.
''Guys''? Have you seen yourseIf in the mirror. Lady Dior?
[CHUCKLED]
Bitch.
-Hey. did anybody send up my. um--? -Oh.
Now. the boutonniere may say ''Preston.''
But the hat...
...says ''Bradshaw.''
Sunrise, sunset
Swiftly flow the days
Seedlings turn overnight To sunflowers
Blossoming even as we gaze
Sunrise, sunset
Who's that hot straight guy with Carrie?
-That's Anthony's brother. Nicky. -How can you teII that he's straight?
It's a gift.
CouId this wedding get any gayer?
Look who's marrying them.
MAN: Oh. my--
[PEOPLE GADPING]
Sunrise, sunset
Why wouId Liza say yes to this?
It's a Iaw of physics.
Any time there's this much gay energy in one room. Liza manifests.
[LAUGHD]
Another
Laden with happiness
And tears
CARRIE: A little while later, it was time for Stanford and Anthony to exchange vows.
And now. the brooms have written their own v-- ''Brooms''?
Bride. groom. Broom.
Oh. broom. Oh. that's marveIous.
Thank you. Liza MinneIIi.
[LAUGHING]
Quiet. now.
Weddings are serious.
At Ieast that's what I've heard.
''It was not exactIy Iove at first sight.
[PEOPLE LAUGHING]
But it turns out. it was Iove.
You are the first man to accept me...
...for the man that I actuaIIy am.''
That's the thing about tradition.
Like it or not, it sneaks in.
MazeItov!
MINNELLI: CongratuIations.
[MUDIC PLAYING]
-[DINGING] All the single ladies -[DINGING] All the single ladies
-All the single ladies -All the single ladies
All the single ladies Now put your hands up
Up in the club We just broke up
l'm doing my own little thing
You decided to dip But now you wanna trip
'Cause another guy noticed me
l'm up on him He's up on me
Don't pay him any attention
Cried my tears Three good years
Can't be mad at me
'Cause if you liked it Then you should've put a ring on it
lf you liked it Then you should've put a ring on it
Don't be mad Once you see that he wants it
lf you liked it Then you should've put a ring on it
Whoa, oh, oh Oh, oh, oh
Oh, oh, oh
Whoa, oh, oh Oh, oh, oh, oh
Whoa, oh Oh, oh, oh
Don't treat me to the things Of the world
l'm not that kind of girl
Hey. How's everything?
Fine. Rose is giving her a hard time.
DhouId I go up to the room?
What was the point of bringing the nanny out here. then?
-Is everything okay? -Yeah. Rose is just driving us a IittIe crazy.
No. not crazy. Dhe's just a IittIe fussy. Everything's fine.
MINNELLI [DINGING]: lf you don't you'll be alone
And like a ghost l'll be gone
lf you liked it Then you should've put a ring on it
Don't be mad Once you see that he wants it
lf you liked it Then you should've put a ring on it
Don't be mad Once you see that he wants it
lf you liked it Then you should've put a ring
Oh, ohh, ohhhh
Good Iuck.
[CHEERING]
Now I know why we got married.
Do we wouIdn't have to dance to that song at weddings.
That the onIy reason?
Yeah.
[LAUGHD]
-I have to try on your crown. -Oh. you have to.
[PHONE CHIMED]
I'm sorry.
-Hey. I'm kissing here. -I have to. It's from him.
It's Daturday. You're at a wedding.
Did I mention that he hates me?
Who wouId dare hate you?
The new senior Iaw partner at her firm. He rides her ass nonstop.
-Why? MIRANDA: No idea.
It's Iike he can't stand the sound of my voice.
Every time I open my mouth. he shuts me down.
Dometimes he hoIds his hand up Iike this:
-Ew! -Yeah. He hates me Iess over e-maiI.
How's it going?
Good. Thanks.
Enjoy.
You have a nice night.
-Thank you. -A guy just hit on me.
ReaIIy?
How's it make you feeI?
Like I stiII got it.
You most certainIy do.
-Do sorry to bother you. I'm sorry. -Dorry.
-I'm so sorry to bother you. -It's okay.
I've just been reading your books for years and your coIumn.
I swear. we had the exact same dating Iife.
-Wow. MAN: Cut to the chase. EIIen.
Dhe means she is you.
I am. I am you.
WeII. in that case. may I introduce you to your husband. John James Preston.
-Hi. -Good to meet you.
-Hey. -How Iong have you been married?
WeII. it'II be two years next month.
We're married two years next month as weII.
-Wow. You are me. ELLEN: I guess.
We're expecting a baby. and get this: the due date is our anniversary.
WeII. I'm not pregnant. WeII. I guess that's obvious.
-Durrogate. -Wow. CongratuIations.
MAN: You guys have kids?
If you need a surrogate service. ours was fIawIess.
Oh. no. thanks. It's not a surrogate situation. We're just not having chiIdren.
You don't want kids?
WeII. no. we Iove them.
It's just not for us.
Do it's going to be just...
...you two?
Uh. but she does have a new book coming out next month.
Great. Great. And what's that about?
Marriage.
WeII....
Have a nice night.
And aII this time I thought Damantha was my pubIicist.
I had to say something. Dhe Iooked Iike someone toId her there was no Danta.
May I have your attention. pIease?
My son and his husband wouId Iike to ask aII coupIes to join them on the dance fIoor.
Oh. that's very nice. dear.
Ohhh.
[PIANO PLAYING]
You're done. We're going to dance.
Fake to the right. Nice.
I'm done. I'm done. I'm done!
Dance me.
May I have the honor. Mrs. GoIdenbIatt?
You most certainIy may.
WOMAN [DINGING]: Sad sensation
Lately l've not slept a wink
CHARLOTTE: Come on. honey. HARRY: Come on. sweetie.
CHARLOTTE: Let's go dance.
Care to dance?
Just us two?
[LAUGHING]
Damantha. you Iook amazing.
Oh. yes. you do. What have you had done?
Nothing. I'm 100 percent naturaI.
I'm serious. I need names.
-GentIemen. -I heard that.
You Iooked pretty hot out there before. Wanna dance again?
I can think of so many other more fun things I'd rather do with you.
-I'm Nicky. -Damantha.
Nice to meet you. Damantha.
What do you do for a Iiving. Nicky?
I Iay concrete.
That sounds promising.
DAMANTHA: Yeah. Yeah! NICKY: Yeah!
DAMANTHA: Yeah! NICKY: Yeah!
DAMANTHA: Yeah! MAN: What the--?
DAMANTHA: Yeah. NICKY: Yeah.
[DAMANTHA & NICKY YELLING]
[RODE CRYING]
CHARLOTTE: Rose. come on. now. Come on. now. DIeepy time.
Rose. Come on.
Rose. Rose. Rose.
-PIease? -Good. Good. Here?
Let's go sIeepy.
PIease. Rose?
Come on. come on.
DAMANTHA: Yeah! NICKY: Yeah!
[RODE CONTINUED CRYING]
DAMANTHA: Oh. yeah. Oh. yeah.
-I don't know which is worse. -Damantha.
The baby wiII tire eventuaIIy.
Let's get a IittIe white noise.
MAN 1 [ON Tv]: Right from your home. Amnesty lnternational.
MAN 2: Visit any location. Lumber Liquid--
WOMAN: Where do you want to--?
-Jackpot. COLBERT: Do you mind if l try?
A IittIe bIack-and-white noise.
lt Happened One Night.
CARRIE: Never seen it.
WeII. kid. you are in for a treat.
CIimb up in here.
GABLE: What are you gonna do?
A system all my own.
Oh. that's shocking.
For the '30s. it was.
Did you see it when it opened originaIIy?
Aren't you going to give me a little credit?
CARRIE: Dhe's pretty.
Dhe's got nothing on you.
CARRIE: There Big and l were...
...somewhere between wild sex and a baby.
-Hey. you. -Hey. how are you?
MAN 1 : Hi. guys. MAN 2: How are you?
CARRIE: Thanks.
-Ready to order? -Um. I think we'II wait for our friend.
WAITREDD: Okay. Yup. MIRANDA: Thanks.
MAN: Okay. Yeah. that sounds great. Yeah. -That's a whoIe Iot of heaIth.
-How many are there? -Forty-four.
I'm on the one-a-day Fruity PebbIes pIan.
Women our age shouIdn't joke about vitamins.
Women who are not our age shouIdn't say ''women our age.''
-Yeah. -WeII. one day very soon you wiII thank me.
I am Ieading the way through the menopause maze.
With my vitamins. my meIatonin sIeep patches. my bioidenticaI estrogen cream...
...progesterone cream. a touch of testosterone--
-Dhe's the hormone whisperer. -I am.
I've tricked my body into thinking it's younger.
I've tricked my body into thinking it's thinner. Dpanx.
And I'm teIIing you. no hot fIashes. no mood swings...
...and my sex drive. it's right back to where it was.
-ReaIIy? Hadn't heard. -Where are you getting your information?
From Duzanne Domers and her team of doctors.
I'II get you a copy. It's a reveIation.
You're taking medicaI advice from the woman who invented the ThighMaster?
Damn right. Have you seen my thighs?
Okay. go ahead. Iaugh. It's working.
By the time you Iadies are 50. I'II be 35.
CHARLOTTE: Take Mommy's hand. -Oh. here she is.
I thought it was just gonna be the four of us.
Don't worry. the nanny wiII be here.
Harry's just not back from pIaying goIf.
CARRIE: Oh. here.
Let me hoId that pretty IittIe morning Rose.
RODE: No. No. -Okay. no saIe.
Dhe just Iearned the word ''no.''
Good for her. We're hoping Damantha Iearns it one of these days.
-TerribIe twos. -Dhe's not terribIe.
No. of course. she's not terribIe. The terribIe twos are terribIe.
Right.
Dhe's in the ''I onIy want Mommy'' phase.
And me and Erin.
That's right. Just you and me and Erin.
-Who's Erin? -Her nanny.
How are you gonna swaIIow aII those?
Have we met?
Erin!
-Good morning. Iadies. -Morning.
I hear it was quite the gIorious wedding.
[IN IRIDH ACCENT] It was.
ERIN: Oh. and you must be the famous Damantha.
It's a pIeasure to finaIIy meet you.
Now. I know a IittIe girI...
...who wouId just Iove to practice her cartwheeIs on the Iawn.
LILY: Yay. ERIN: Yay.
CHARLOTTE: Do you have the sunbIock?
ERIN: Come to me. you IittIe pet.
There you go.
-Yes. -You have yourseIves a IoveIy morning.
MIRANDA: You too. CHARLOTTE: Thanks. Erin.
-Oh. that is so sweet. -I know.
That's your nanny?
Yes. that's Erin.
You mean Erin Go BraIess.
Ha. ha. Dhe doesn't wear a bra.
-Was she wearing a bra at the job interview? -I don't know.
I was too busy thinking about her degree in ChiIdren's Education...
-...and how much the girIs Iiked her. -Her tits never came up?
No. her tits never came up.
-And she's amazing. DAMANTHA: WeII. I'm sure she is.
But. honey. there ought to be a Iaw against hiring a nanny that Iooks Iike that.
Yeah. the Jude Law.
[LAUGHING]
WAITREDD: Are we ready? MIRANDA: Yes. I think so.
LILY: One. two. three! HARRY: Yeah. go!
That's a good girI! One more time!
lt seems it wasn't only the children that were captivated by Charlotte's lrish nanny...
...and her lucky charms.
And later that day, Big and l arrived home.
BIG: Hot in here. CARRIE: Yeah.
I'II get the air in the bedroom.
-You get the Iiving room. -Okay.
After Big and l sold the extravagant rooftop penthouse...
...we thought we were meant to live in...
...we decided that maybe we needed to come a little more down to earth.
So we did.
Twelve floors, to be exact.
We may be closer to earth...
...but we kept a little bit of heaven.
MAN [ON Tv]: We've got excellent panels, some of the best blinds....
It's 4:30. Where shouId I make reservations? Any cravings?
Don't we have anything to eat here?
Nothing?
Come on. You knew when you married me I was more Coco ChaneI than coq au vin.
Let's just order in.
We ordered in two nights Iast week.
BIG: WeII. we've been out aII weekend.
Let's just stay home.
Okay.
-That couch is good. right? -Mm-hm.
Worth the year and a haIf wait.
[CARRIE CHUCKLED]
AII we need is a piece for that corner and we're done.
You did good. kid.
You know you have your shoes on the couch. right?
Year and a haIf. I'm just saying.
[DOORBELL RINGD]
-That must be the rest of the Iuggage. -Oh. good.
For a minute I thought it might be the shoe poIice.
[LAUGHD]
And a few mornings later, in a different home....
Why bring rat into New York house?
Do Brady can win the second grade science fair. Right. B-boy?
BRADY; Yeah. I'm gonna win.
-Dit down. pIease. have some breakfast. -I can't.
I have this presentation and I'm sick to my stomach.
I used to Iove going to work and now I'm sick at the thought of it.
Here.
-Two bites. -Thanks. Magda.
You don't have to put yourseIf through this.
I'm a Iawyer. That's who I am.
Life's too short. Go somepIace where they appreciate you.
UntiI you find a better job. you can be home and heIp out around the house.
MIRANDA: I've waited too Iong to get here.
I just have to suck it up.
Yeah.
Mom. you gonna come to the science fair today?
DTEVE: Dorry. honey. she can't. Mommy's-- -Dhe has to go to work. Yeah.
MAN: We think that these new numbers show a much more optimistic upside for us.
And the savings that we found for the cIient...
...wiII easiIy make up for any escaIated IegaI fees that they incur.
Do it's win-win.
It's totaIIy win-win. Tom. And what's more. based on--
Kevin. I'd Iike you to run with this from here on.
But it's Miranda's case.
ActuaIIy. it's the firm's case. and as senior partner. I'm--
Is there a probIem?
I don't know. Is there?
Have something you'd Iike to say to me in private?
I don't know that it needs to be in private.
WOMAN: Okay. and we're aII paying attention.
HonorabIe mention goes to RacheI for ''What is Dtatic EIectricity?''
-Let's give her a big hand. -What...?
-I quit. -Good for you.
-You okay? -I'II get another job. A better job.
And I aIready caIIed the headhunter. Where's Brady?
Now. our first prize goes to Brady for his Mouse Maze.
[DCREAMD]
Hey. Mom. I won!
I made it.
I never make it.
WOMAN: Good work. Brady. MAGDA: Good boy.
ERIN: Your doIphin has got aII the skiIIs...
...and it's gonna have a IittIe swim with the crab.
Yes. it is. baby girI.
Hey. cutie. come Iook. Now. what does this do here?
Look at this. WeII. what is that gonna do?
There can be many tortured moments in the life of someone...
...who spends her days writing books.
The antidote to those moments...
...is the moment the finished book finally arrives.
[PHONE RINGING]
-HeIIo? -Do I have anything to worry about?
-Can you be more specific? -I mean with the nanny and Harry.
That's just Damantha.
You're the one who said that thing about Jude Law.
Oh. sweetie. it was a joke. You know. it was right there. I had to go for it.
-And it was funny. -No, no, l really wish l hadn't said it.
-Look. Mommy. -Just a second. honey...
...I just have to finish these cupcakes for the party tomorrow. okay?
-Hey. wait. what was I saying? -DhouId you be threatened.
Did I say ''threatened''?
Uh....
-DhouId I be threatened? -Look. Mommy. Iook.
Okay. honey. Let me just put Rose in her chair. Carrie?
l'm gonna put you down for a second.
I'm gonna put the baby down. I'II be right back.
[RODE DCREAMING OVER PHONE]
-Ooh. -It's okay. It's okay. sweetheart.
-Oh. I know. LILY: Look. Mommy. Iook.
CHARLOTTE: Oh. precious.
-Look at me. CHARLOTTE: It's okay.
Look. Look.
Okay. I'm Iistening.
WeII. did you have any worries before the Damantha comment?
No. of course not.
I Iove Erin and I trust Harry.
I beIieve you just answered your own question.
Me. me. me!
LiIy! This skirt is vintage.
-What skirt? -It's the cream VaIentino.
Oh. sweetie. I'm so sorry.
I've gotta go!
LiIy. Iook at what you did!
Mommy just has to get something. okay?
Mommy.
Mommy. Mommy. Mommy.
Mommy wiII be out in a minute.
LILY: Mommy. Mommy.
Mommy.
I was just getting more sprinkIes.
GirIs.
Let's go and pIay in my bedroom.
Mommy needs some cooking time.
Charlotte was thankful to have Erin come home at that moment.
Threat or no threat.
Bra or no bra.
Good. Come on. darIing.
And from no bra on the Upper East Side...
...to no panties in Times Square.
It's 12 and your Iunch is at 12:30.
DAMANTHA: I'm just freshening up.
CaII the restaurant and teII them I'm going to be 15 minutes Iate.
MEGHAN: Damantha Jones.
Dmith Jerrod's on the phone.
Refresh my memory.
-How do we know each other again? DMITH: You used to do my pubIicity.
Doesn't ring a beII.
You used to do me.
Oh. ding. ding ding.
How's L.A.?
I'm in Abu Dhabi.
You're back in the MiddIe East?
DMITH: Yeah. We're shooting the poster for the movie I made here.
And I just found out that we're premiering in New York.
I'm caIIing because I want you on that red carpet next to me.
WOMAN: Dmith.
-You do? -HeII. yeah.
My career never wouId've happened without you.
Who eIse wouId I take to my big night?
That is so sweet.
[PHONE CHIMED]
Oh. Honey? I gotta go.
I'm puIIing up my panties to get to a Iunch date.
[ERYKAH BADU'D ''WINDOW DEAT'' PLAYING OVER DPEAKERD]
Not to brag...
...but did I make us a deIicious anniversary meaI?
It was deIicious.
And you did brag.
Oops.
You have a IittIe osso buco right...
...there.
Dee. that's one of the perks of eating at home. You get to kiss the cook.
And no tipping.
[LAUGHING]
-More wine? -Yes. pIease.
Happy anniversary.
-Now? -Yes. now.
Before I'm IuIIed into a coma by your Iight MiIanese fare.
-Very nice. -It's vintage. It's from 1968.
[WHIDTLED]
Very. very nice.
And it's engraved.
BIG: ''Me and you.
Just us two.''
Your gift is in the bedroom.
There better be something in there I haven't aIready seen.
WeII. I've seen the desk.
But you haven't seen what's in the desk.
A state-of-the-art fIat-screen.
WOMAN [ON Tv]: And when bedtime comes, take them in your arms...
-And.... -...into your dreams.
WowWee Alive comes in pups. Each sold separately from WowWee.
Do we can Iay in bed and watch oId bIack-and-white movies.
The onIy word I heard in that sentence was ''oId.''
Come on. You remember how nice it was...
...at the hoteI watching lt Happened One Night.
Yes. And it was nice because it onIy happened one night in a hoteI.
Did I fuck up?
WeII. a piece of jeweIry wouId've been nice.
Oh.
[MUDIC PLAYING OVER DPEAKERD]
Can you get me and Big invited to Dmith's premiere?
-Oh. yeah. sure. -Good.
I think we need some gIamour.
You know. the teIevision and the ordering in...
...it's just getting a IittIe too ''Mr. and Mrs. Married.''
-You'II have a good time. -Yeah. Ooh.
Look at that.
Very nice.
It is a fabuIous dress for the premiere.
What's the worst thing they couId say about me in this dress?
Uh....
-''Who the heII does she think she is?'' -Just went to the top of my Iist.
Do. um. you and Dmith.
You're going to this premiere together as...?
Oh. honey. just friends. But I may throw him a fuck if I Iike the movie.
Oh. that's nice. That shouId take the edge off the reviews.
Carrie. I haven't seen you here in forever.
Yeah. I know. I've been cheating on fashion with furniture.
-Do. what can I heIp you with? -WeII. we need to find a red-carpet Iook...
-...for my friend Damantha. -And I think we found it.
Is that maybe a IittIe young?
I don't know.
ExactIy how oId do you think I am?
And not that it matters...
...but I am 50-fucking-2 and I wiII rock this dress.
I'II get you a changing room.
How's the writing going? DtiII working for Vogue?
-FreeIance. -Oh. that's fabuIous.
You had to do that to her?
WeII. how eIse is she gonna Iearn?
And speaking of Vogue...
...they want you to write a piece to accompany the reIease of your book.
Oh. great. Has there been any Iong-Iead press reaction to the book yet?
Not yet. but I'm sure it'II aII be fabuIous.
Is that you?
I hope so.
-Who eIse has a key? -The Gristedes deIivery boy.
ReaIIy?
WeII. you know. you want food at home. that's a risk you take.
Don't get too comfortabIe on that couch. We have to be at the premiere in an hour.
-Is that tonight? -Mm-hm.
-On a Monday? -Yes.
We don't go out on Mondays.
WeII. first of aII. I didn't know we didn't...
...and second of aII. probIem?
The market feII a hundred points...
...and now I have to get dressed up and go to some HoIIywood thing?
AII you have to do is put on a fresh shirt.
Can't you go without me?
I don't wanna go without you. I wanna go with you.
That's the point.
Me and you out on the town.
I've been out on the town for 30 years.
I've seen the town. kid.
You go have fun with your friends.
But I wanna spend time with you.
Oh. weII. if you wanna spend time with me. we'II stay here.
At our home. Which you made so perfect.
[PATTING PILLOW]
You just don't want to get your ass off the couch.
AII right. fine. Dtay.
I'II go with Dtanford.
Okay.
MAN [ON Tv]: lnformation. What is it...?
What's that?
Oh. I picked up some dinner from that new Japanese pIace on Madison.
--before their acquisition changed history, before the merger, certainty...
...before action, knowledge. Thomson Reuters.
Throw this back. We're going.
-I thought you just said-- -I changed my mind.
Do you reaIIy want to be pushed and shoved in a crowd and eat bad catered food?
Yes. Yes. I'm dying to be pushed and shoved in a crowd...
...and eat bad catered food.
I'm dying to eat anything that doesn't come in a takeout box.
Bottoms up.
I'II put out a fresh shirt.
MAN: Fans on the right. take modeIs to the Ieft.
I think we're a IittIe overdressed. don't you?
PIease waIk off the red carpet.
Oh. we're VIPs. Dee?
Dhow your braceIets.
Dhow your braceIet.
MAN 1 : Dmith! Right here!
-One more. MAN 1 : One more.
Damantha Iooks smoking hot.
Is that dress maybe a IittIe young?
MAN 2: MiIey! WOMAN: MiIey!
MAN 3: MiIey! -Maybe.
ANTHONY: Mother of God.
Dhe's wearing the same dress as teen queen MiIey Cyrus.
DTANFORD: I know what's gonna happen. but I can't Iook away.
It's a red-carpet Hindenburg.
MAN 1 : Right this way. MiIey! MAN 2: Over here!
Awkward times two.
WOMAN: MiIey! MiIey. is that your mother?
MAN 3: MiIey! MiIey. right here! MiIey!
CARRIE: Sometimes, a girlfriend is a girl you've never even met.
Great dress.
Thanks for saying that.
And aII is right in HoIIywood.
-Ooh. -Just got pushed.
[DANCE MUDIC PLAYING OVER DPEAKERD]
ln the VlP room at the after-party...
...Samantha found herself in the middle of the Middle East...
...seated directly across from the film's producer, Sheikh Khalid.
This is our first venture into the worId fiIm market...
...and we are honored to be represented...
...by such a magnificent American star as Dmith Jerrod.
-Thank you. -Thanks.
But you shouId reaIIy be thanking Damantha.
I mean. it's aII her. I was just a waiter before she came aIong.
Dhe handIed my pubIic reIations and made everybody see me as a star.
Is this true?
WeII...
...yes.
[CHUCKLING]
Have you ever been to the United Arab Emirates?
No. and I couId kick myseIf.
But friends of mine have been to Dubai and they say it is amazing.
Dubai is--
I am at a Ioss for the word in EngIish.
[DPEAKING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE]
Dubai is over.
-ReaIIy? -With aII respect to my Emirate brother...
...Abu Dhabi is the future.
A progressive. gIobaI city of commerce. cuIture and...
...styIe.
-It is the new MiddIe East. -The new MiddIe East.
But you shouId see it for yourseIf. As my guest. at my new hoteI.
And if it does not interfere too much with your wonderfuI time...
...we might be abIe to discuss some business.
-Business? -Perhaps you couId make...
...America see my hoteI as a star as you did with Dmith Jerrod.
And suddenIy. it's aII about the couch.
Two years ago. we never even uttered the word ''couch.''
And now. our entire universe revoIves around it.
Count your bIessings.
Remember when you couIdn't even get him to sIeep over?
Yeah. I know. I know.
We're out tonight. He couId at Ieast sIap on a smiIe and have a good time.
AIready had a nervous breakdown. No. beIieve me--
He seems to be having a good time now.
CARRION: PeopIe think that Dpaniards don't work...
...that we just take siestas and drink Rioja and go to the beach.
There was a jumbo shrimp free-for-aII at the raw bar.
-I'm gonna be-- I'II be right back. -Okay.
Every night before bed. I am on my knees praying:
''PIease. God. Iet it stay up.''
-PIease Iet what stay up? -Hi. The stock market.
-This is Carmen Garcia Carrion. -Carrion.
-Very good.
Dhe is the Denior Vice President of the Bank of Madrid.
-Hi. CARRIE: Hi.
-This is-- -Carrie Preston. Hi.
Oh. Carrie Preston. Nice to meet you. Your husband is very charming.
Isn't he?
Do you were right about the catered food and the shoving.
Do I'm ready to go whenever you are.
Oh.
-WeII. nice to meet you both. -Nice to meet you.
I'II try to keep it up for you.
-You're so funny. He's very funny. -He is.
-Good night. -Good night.
Bye. Good night.
MAN 1 [ON Tv]: ls that all you got?
MAN 2: l mean, all we're trying to do is just keep from getting dead.
Damn!
MAN 3: Since the very first DeadIiest Catch cameras rolled seven seasons ago--
It's a IittIe Ioud.
--the fleet has gone on more than 60 voyages.
And for the record. that is not a bIack-and-white movie.
What?
That was supposed to be for bIack-and-white movies...
...and that is not a bIack-and-white movie.
When the gay guy hit on me at the wedding you thought it was funny.
I'm not upset about the fIirt.
I Iike the fIirt. In fact. you couId diaI up the fIirt around here a IittIe more.
I get TV and take-out guy...
...and Bank of Madrid Iady. she gets sparkIe guy.
I'm sorry. Are we having a discussion or watching teIevision?
What is it with you and this teIevision?
I don't wanna be one of those coupIes...
...Iying in bed. watching teIevision and not taIking.
That is not the reIationship I signed up for.
It's a teIevision. not the end of the worId.
WeII. maybe to you it's not.
The Bering Sea has many faces.
You're not happy in. and you're not happy out.
What does that mean?
WeII. what do you want from me?
I put on the shirt. I went to the thing...
...and now you're hammering me about Iying in bed and watching a IittIe TV?
I mean. what is the probIem?
Look...
...it's just going to be you and me...
...every night. for the rest of our Iives.
And I think that we are going...
...to have to work on the sparkIe...
...for the rest of our Iives.
DparkIe.
Got it.
Listen to that!
When it starts really screaming, the waves stack up, and you've got these big, nasty--
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CARRIE: The last two years weren't exactly the best time...
...to put an apartment on the market.
So we didn't.
And from time to time, l'd come here to write.
Or to visit the clothes.
[PHONE RINGD]
-HeIIo? -What time did you wake up?
I don't know. about 6.
I'm worried about the Vogue articIe. so I wanted to get started.
You haven't written over there in a whiIe.
Yeah, l know. l know. l just--
I don't know. I thought it wouId be easier to work here. No distractions.
-Okay. -Anyway, it's due Thursday...
...and I'm not even sure what I'm writing yet. so. um....
Maybe I shouId just stay here untiI I get it done.
You're going to stay there?
Just two days. You know, just to bang it out.
-Is that aII right? -Whatever you need.
-Everything okay? -Yeah.
No. I just feeI Iike I reaIIy need to Iock myseIf in a room...
...and not think about anything but writing.
Okay?
Okay.
-Just two days. Okay? -Okay.
-Bye.
Bye.
And l did think about nothing but writing.
Until the next day, when l could think about nothing but food.
And as long as l was going to break to eat anyway, l thought:
''Why not call the girls?''
One week in Abu Dhabi. aII expenses paid.
I've aIways been fascinated by the MiddIe East. You know. desert moons...
...Dcheherazade. magic carpets.
-Like Jasmine in Aladdin? -Yes. sweetie. just Iike Jasmine.
But with cocktaiIs.
-It is exciting. When are you gonna go? -I don't know. When can you aII be free?
You didn't think I was going without my gaIs.
-What? -I toId the sheikh I'd go on one condition:
I'd get to bring my three best girIfriends.
-Get out of town. -My point exactIy.
And we are being fIown on the sheikh's own airIine.
-He has his own airIine? -Mm-hm.
-Oh. that is one chic sheikh. DAMANTHA: Duper. super. super first cIass.
And you get your own individuaI suite on the pIane.
-Oh. my God. DAMANTHA: AII expenses paid for...
...everything for aII of us. AII we have to do is pick the week.
And the sooner. the better. I can hear the decadence caIIing.
Let me just check my work scheduIe. Yeah. AII cIear.
I gotta check with the oId baII and chain. but I'm good to go. MiddIe East me.
CharIotte. how's three weeks from now?
Oh. I don't know. I--
We have to go this month. Next month. it gets so hot. you burst into fIames.
I bet that's not on their website.
I mean. I don't know if I can go at aII.
I have two chiIdren.
Yes. yes. but you have a husband.
And a fuII-time nanny. You said so yourseIf. The kids Iove the nanny. right?
-Yes. but-- DAMANTHA: But what? What's the probIem?
I mean. we haven't been anywhere together...
...since Carrie and Big's wedding bIowup honeymoon disaster.
-Memories. -And that was two years ago.
Two years of bad business and this buIIshit economy. and I'm done.
We need to go somewhere rich.
-Damantha. I appreciate the-- -No.
I go to chiIdren's birthday parties for you.
You are going to Abu Dhabi for me.
MIRANDA: ChiIdren's birthday parties.
PuIIing out the big guns.
-Okay. -Thank you.
Look at us. Going to Abu Dhabi.
[PHONE RINGD]
-HeIIo. BIG: How'd it go?
Just finished. And thanks for the time.
How soon can you be dressed for dinner? l have 9:00 reservations.
WeII...
...it's 8:30 aIready.
l'm downstairs.
CARRIE: And just like that, it was 1998 again.
I'II be right down.
-Hey. kid. -Hey.
I missed you.
We had a wonderful dinner out.
And back at home...
...the television stayed off the entire night.
And pretty soon, the Middle East was upon us.
I need that.
-AImost packed? -One more to go.
I had an idea I wanted to taIk to you about.
Remember when you took those two days away to finish your articIe...
-...and then we had that great night? -Mm-hm.
Maybe we shouId think about doing that every week.
Hear me out.
After you took those two days at your oId apartment. I started thinking:
What if I got a pIace?
-You want your own apartment? -No. not my own apartment.
Just a pIace that I can go two days a week...
...Iie around. watch teIevision. do the shit I wanna do that bugs you.
And then the other five days...
...I'd be here and avaiIabIe for dinners and sparkIe or whatever.
Do you're teIIing me that you want two days off a week from our marriage.
And you'd have the same two days.
Oh. my God.
To work or see your friends.
Do the things you wanna do without me.
But I don't wanna do things without you.
Carrie. come on. I know you.
Can you honestIy teII me you didn't enjoy those two days to yourseIf?
Two days. yes. but I don't need it every week.
Are you saying you need it every week?
I don't know. it was just an idea. Domething to think about.
Marriage doesn't work Iike that.
I thought we were supposed to be making up our own ruIes.
Do two days. then four days. then what. no days?
-Is that where this is heading? -I never wouId've brought it up if I thought...
...it was gonna make you think I want out. Look. I knew two years ago:
I am exactIy where I wanna be.
Five days a week.
Look. I'm just trying to make it a IittIe easier for us to Iive together.
I mean. we're married...
...but we're stiII us.
Is this because I'm a bitch wife who nags you?
I feeI Iike I'm disappointing you aII the time.
No. you're not disappointing me.
WeII. something is.
Do. what wouId I teII the girIs? ''Big and I are taking two days a week off...
...to make our marriage work better''? They'd never understand.
I don't care if they understand.
This is our marriage.
Me and you. Just Iike you said.
Carrie...
...we're aduIts without chiIdren.
We have the Iuxury to design our Iife.
WeII. you can't get your own apartment.
That wouId freak me out and it's a waste of money.
You can have my oId pIace two days a week.
TemporariIy. tiII I figure out how I feeI about this.
And I can take it back any time.
DeaI.
[PHONE RINGD]
-There's the car. -I'II get your bags.
Oh. yes. you wiII.
And in a week. I'II pick you up at the airport and take you home.
Whose home. yours or mine?
Ours.
WOMAN 1 : WeIcome. CHARLOTTE: Thank you.
WOMAN 2 [OVER PA]: Ladies and gentlemen...
...we are pleased to welcome you onboard our flight to Abu Dhabi lnternational Airport.
-Nice. -Hi.
Wow.
WeIcome aboard AfdaI Air.
Thank you.
Thank you. I Iove your hat.
Thank you.
And I thought mine was gonna be too much.
Oh. my God.
-This is bigger than my first apartment. -Hot toweI?
And everything is so beautifuI.
Just Iike I promised: the best of the best.
And Iook:
Arabic PringIes.
Okay. now I'm impressed.
WOMAN 1 : Date? WOMAN 2: WouId you care for a date?
Not on vacation five minutes and I aIready got a date.
Dates are the traditionaI weIcome fruit of the MiddIe East.
I read that in one of these.
-Oh. You moving there? -I've got us covered. The dos and don'ts.
And speaking of don'ts...
...men and women do not embrace in pubIic in the MiddIe East.
Eh. eh. eh! No. no. no. Dhe's taIking to you. sister.
Oh. pIease. We're going to the new MiddIe East.
And when I need a break from aII the reaI information...
...I have this.
Let me see this.
[WOMAN DPEAKING IN ARABIC OVER PA]
Oh. Iisten. How exotic. I wonder what she's saying.
ProbabIy teIIing us not to bring those magazines on a 13-hour pIane ride...
-...with an impressionabIe woman. -CharIotte. honey. don't read that.
Dorry.
[DAMANTHA LAUGHING]
You see. it becomes a ''Y'' after a few drinks.
-I see. -Care for another round. Iadies?
[DPEAKD IN ARABIC]
It means ''yes.''
[DPEAKD IN ARABIC]
Yeah. not the best word for her to Iearn.
How many times are you gonna read that?
Big and I are thinking about taking two days a week apart to do our own thing.
Is everything okay?
Oh. yeah. yeah. yeah. It's just something we're taIking about.
You know. he wouId get two days off to do his things...
...and on those days. I wouId do my things.
You know. Iike write or have dinner with you guys...
...or I don't know. whatever.
Love it. I'm avaiIabIe.
Two days off? You make marriage sound Iike a job.
WeII. it may not be a job. but it's work.
WeII. wouId that mean that you wouId have two nights off too?
Mm-hm.
-Where wouId you sIeep? -WeII. he's gonna stay at my oId pIace...
...and I'II stay at our new pIace.
I Ioved that time when Dteve and I knew we were together...
...but we stiII had our own pIaces. That was the best of both worIds.
I just think marriage is two peopIe...
...night after night. sIeeping in the same bed.
You have four peopIe in your bed.
I've had four peopIe in my bed.
[MIRANDA GROAND]
No?
WeII. Iadies...
...I am going to sIap on a patch of meIatonin...
...and have a seven-star snooze.
-I wiII see you in the MiddIe East. -Night.
[DPEAKD IN ARABIC]
It means ''good night.''
[DPEAKD IN ARABIC]
I'm sorry.
ExpIain it again.
Just. what is it reaIIy about?
Big and I are just trying to make our own ruIes.
You know. figure out what works best for us as a coupIe...
...not what society says shouId work for us.
Okay. God.
CharIotte...
...we're aduIts with no chiIdren.
We have the Iuxury to design our own Iife.
But doesn't it hurt your feeIings that he wouId want time off?
You just don't get it.
Somewhere over Africa...
...l began to wonder about relationships.
Can we really ever expect anyone on the outside...
...to understand what goes on between two other people?
Eight time zones and a change of clothes later, we arrived in the future.
Have any of you Iadies ever been to the MiddIe East before?
No. we're aII virgins.
Thank you.
Duper. super. super gentIe. Thank you. thank you.
I am sorry. but...
...do you have any drugs in your Iuggage?
No. Just my hormones.
You gotta be kidding me.
I am sorry. It is just a UAE Iaw.
But they're aII naturaI. They're made from yams.
Ladies. these are not drugs.
Okay. I need to speak to an ambassador or an embassy...
...or someone in menopause.
Damantha. pIease caIm down.
-This is getting very. very Midnight Express. -Okay. Fine. take them.
Without those creams and vitamins. I wiII go ricocheting back into menopause.
-ReIax. it's one week. -TeII that to the beard I'II be growing.
We've set your meeting with Dheikh KhaIid for the end of your trip...
...after you and your friends have experienced...
...the best of what Abu Dhabi has to offer.
Which starts right now.
Yours for the entire trip.
Four new Maybachs.
Wow. do we need aII four?
It is aIready arranged.
I'II be in my own private air conditioning.
I wiII be departing from you here. The hoteI awaits your arrivaI.
If you need me for anything. pIease do not hesitate to ask.
CouId you heIp me check and make sure...
...that my iPhone has the proper internationaI code?
I think that we can find someone not so officiaI to heIp with that.
-He offered. -Hey. what's the hoIdup?
We got a Iot of Abu Dhabi to do.
Abu Dhabi do.
WeIcome to Abu Dhabi.
-Thank you. -PIeasure.
Oh. my God.
[CARRIE GADPD]
Oh. Toto. I don't think we're in Kansas anymore.
Miss Jones?
I am Mr. Dafir. the hoteI manager.
-I trust your fIight was pIeasant? -Like a magic carpet.
-How charming. For you. -Oh. thank you.
-PIease. for you. -Thank you.
PIease-- Oh. thank you.
This way. if you pIease. Iadies.
How do we tip in Abu Dhabi?
Have you got any Ioose rubies?
DAFIR: We have many wonderfuI things pIanned for you at the hoteI.
CHARLOTTE: Oh. This is gorgeous. DAFIR: Thank you.
And. pIease. some Arabic coffee.
-Thank you. -Made with rose water and cumin.
[DPEAKD IN ARABIC]
That means ''thank you.''
-You speak Arabic? -Not yet.
DAFIR: WeII. you're off to a great start.
It's different.
Not your cup of tea.
-What's with aII the men? -Thank you.
DAFIR: Oh. the WorId Cup triaIs are here.
DAMANTHA: Wow.
-Did they aIso bring their baIIs? -Yes. they have many. many baIIs.
This way pIease. for your private eIevator.
-We have a private eIevator? -ApparentIy.
[ELEVATOR DINGD]
This can't be for us.
We must not be in the right pIace.
No. for once in my Iife. I can say without a shadow of a doubt...
...I am in the exact right pIace.
Who ordered the cute?
WeIcome to the JeweI Duite.
-Who is Miss Jones? -I am.
We are thriIIed to weIcome you and your guests.
-Thank you. GAURAU: AbduI wiII be your butIer...
-...Miss Jones. -Mm.
-Miss Bradshaw? -Oh. that's me.
-I am Gaurau. I wiII be here to serve you. -Thank you.
And Resir for Miss Hobbes.
It's ''Hobbes.''
I'm so very sorry.
No. it's--
It's not a big deaI. It's fine.
And Adman for Miss York.
If you wiII. pIease. foIIow us.
-We each get our own butIer? -Makes sense. we each get our own car.
Rotunda. Miss York. this way. if you wiII.
''York''? What happened to ''GoIdenbIatt''?
-It's the MiddIe East. -It's the new MiddIe East.
It's the MiddIe East.
This is the den. CompIete with its own private bar.
Ooh. BeIIy up. Iadies.
[WOMEN LAUGHING]
There is aIso a private kitchen avaiIabIe for you day and night.
Dream come true.
In here. you wiII find your informaI Iounge.
[GADPING AND OOHING]
Through there. the doubIe boudoir.
-Roomies. -Roomies.
And in here. the formaI saIon.
And. Iadies. out on the terrace...
...you have an overview of the entire grounds.
[WOMEN GADPING]
There's aIso a bar pooI. five internationaI restaurants. a spa...
...a fitness center. a nightcIub...
...and. of course. the beach and beach cIubs.
I've taken the Iiberty of arranging massages for you. foIIowed by an earIy dinner.
Then you can have a good night's rest and wake up tomorrow fresh.
There's nothing I don't Iove about everything you just said.
[WOMEN LAUGHING]
Here is AbduI with drinks.
If there is anything you need...
...pIease do not hesitate to ask. We are at your service.
MIRANDA: The robes are caIIed abayas...
...and the veiI that covers everything except the eyes is a niqab.
CertainIy cuts back on the Botox biII.
''Women are required to dress in a way that does not attract sexuaI attention.''
Damantha. you gotta....
We're at the hoteI. It's a free zone.
DtiII. Out of respect.
WeII. I gotta say. I am digging the sequin trim on the ReaI Housewife of Abu Dhabi.
What's up with that?
Younger MusIim women are embracing oId traditions in new and personaI ways.
CARRIE: WeII. I couId get into the head wrap...
...but the veiI across the mouth. it freaks me out.
It's Iike they don't want them to have a voice.
Yeah. or hormones.
I cannot find one Internet hormone site that's not bIocked.
At Ieast you know your phone is working.
I can't get Harry to respond to any of my texts and it's not Iike him.
-But you caIIed him when you arrived. right? -Yeah. but that was hours ago.
French fries for the Iady with the veiI.
How is she gonna do that?
A Iift for every fry.
That is a major commitment to fried food.
What time is it in New York now?
Okay. Dweetie. you gotta stop.
-What do you mean? -You are obsessing...
...about something that is happening 6700 miIes away...
...and you're missing the woman with the veiI eating french fries at the next tabIe.
Consider this an interfriendtion.
You have to stop obsessing about the nanny.
WeII. it is aII Damantha's fauIt.
I was perfectIy happy and then she went and opened her big mouth.
Maybe we shouId get her a niqab.
Look. I warn you right now. don't come down on me.
With the jet Iag and the no hormones...
...who knows what kind of mood swings I'm capabIe of.
I Iike the neckIace.
Hi.
[DNORING]
-Miss? -Ah!
Oh. God.
I'm so very sorry.
It's okay. I'm sorry. I didn't--
I didn't expect you to stiII be here.
You did not dismiss me.
Oh. I was supposed to do that?
Oh.
I'm sorry. Gaurau. I didn't know.
It is my pIeasure. What can I do for you?
Nothing. I was just gonna warm some miIk up. but you go. go home.
No. no. aIIow me. pIease. I insist.
I wiII bring it to you.
Oh. you don't have to. I'II wait.
If you wiII permit me. might I suggest a touch of cinnamon?
It is a secret Iearned from my wife.
WeII. pIease apoIogize to your wife for my keeping you here aII night.
It is fine. Dhe is in India.
CARRIE: Oh.
I wiII see her in one month.
I'm afraid if I apoIogize then. it wiII hardIy make sense.
Do you work here and you traveI back and forth?
Yes. Every three months. when I have a break in work and can afford the pIane fare.
Isn't that hard?
What. miss?
Just. you know. being married and spending aII that time apart.
Time does not matter.
When we see each other. each time...
...it is very wonderfuI.
I'm a Iucky man.
Okay. now I'm gonna try one of these IittIe date confections.
I think my butIer's gay.
-First. he's way too cute. -That's genetics.
I asked about his dating Iife and he said it was private.
That's appropriate.
When I asked how to pronounce his name he said:
''AbduI. Like PauIa.''
-And that's gay. -Yeah.
-Morning. MIRANDA: Morning.
-Morning. -How'd you sIeep?
AII right.
-Damantha. what are you eating? -Mm. Hummus.
I read onIine that chickpeas are high in naturaI estrogen.
Do are yams. PauIa AbduI's getting me some Iater.
Is she here too?
Good morning. miss. What can we bring you for breakfast?
Just some fruit. pIease.
Thank you.
He is so nice. What's his name again?
Gaurau.
He's from India. His wife stiII Iives there.
They onIy see each other once every three months when they can afford it.
And I asked him if that was hard for them and he said:
''Time doesn't matter.''
That each time they see each other it's wonderfuI.
Do. see. there are aII kinds of marriages.
Who's up for a morning trip to the souk in OId Abu Dhabi?
What's a souk?
It's a market where you can buy goId. spices. textiIes and souk things.
I'm in. One sip then souk.
Wow.
-Oh. it's so beautifuI. -We'II be back in time for Iunch.
-Thank you. Gaurau. MIRANDA: Thank you. Resir.
Got it.
You must not have a forbidden experience.
Oh. okay.
Men may approach you with bIack-market wristwatches.
If you engage them. they'II move you to a room and try to seII you items. It is iIIegaI.
Other than that. you'II not have to worry. PeopIe here are very honest.
Driver.
[MIRANDA DPEAKD IN ARABIC]
CARRIE: Mm. DmeIIs so good. -Yeah.
Ladies.
-Forbidden experience coming at you. -Ladies. Ladies.
-No. no. -Ladies.
No.
Oh.
And from the forbidden to the necessary.
I'II be going there.
Of course you wiII. I'm going back for more spices. I don't think I got enough.
Okay.
These are very pretty.
Do you speak EngIish?
Yes.
May I try this? Thank you.
Let me just get them....
Oh. thank you.
Do. yes. yes.
I'II take them.
Thank you.
Do pretty.
Just....
Thank you.
Do. for this. how much?
One hundred dirham.
-Twenty doIIars? -Yes.
-For shoes? -Yes.
Okay. thank you.
That's 100. Thank you.
Oh. you know what. I'II just put the shoes in my purse.
Okay. I'm just gonna make room.
[MUEZZIN DINGING CALL TO PRAYER OVER DPEAKERD]
Is that the caII to prayer?
Yes.
And there, in the middle of Old Abu Dhabi, was an old love.
-The guy hid them back there-- -Aidan.
This is the best mirage that I've ever had.
And I did some peyote once in Arizona that bIew my head off.
Come here. you.
Is this aIIowed here?
What the--?
Abu Dhabi? What? You? Why?
WeII. I heard about this amazing deaI on shoes.
No. I'm here with the girIs.
Yeah. Damantha worked us aII in on her free PR trip.
And you? What...?
I'm on the third Ieg of a buying trip. BaIi. India. here.
Yeah. I import rugs to seII with the furniture...
...and I'm taIking Iike I don't know you. Come here again.
HoIy moIy.
You know. Miranda's here with me. so. I don't--
DhaII we grab a kebab or a whatever?
Dhoot. I have to eat Iunch with my business partners.
And they don't cotton to the Iadies at the Iunches.
I knew I shouId've packed my burqa.
We're going to a different city after Iunch. I'II be back tomorrow.
Can I take you out to dinner. just you and me?
Oh. Uh....
WeII. I don't reaIIy know what the girIs have pIanned.
You know. Miranda's got us scheduIed pretty....
It's okay. Look. if you have the time...
...the IocaIs say that the restaurant at my hoteI has the best muhammara in town.
That's my internationaI ceII.
InternationaI ceII.
Look at you. aII grown-up.
I shouId get going.
They consider it rude to keep peopIe waiting here.
[CARRIE LAUGHD]
Bye.
They aIso consider it rude not to caII an oId boyfriend for dinner.
Carrie!
How weird is this?
DAMANTHA: How did he Iook?
Like no time had gone by.
-Did you teII him you and Big got married? CARRIE: Yes.
Those were the first words out of my mouth.
''Hey. we're here in Abu Dhabi and I married that man you hated.''
[LAUGHING]
-Is he stiII married? -I have no idea.
Was he wearing a wedding ring?
I beIieve he was.
-Are you gonna have dinner with him? -We're here to spend time together.
-Just the four of us. CHARLOTTE: Right.
-Um. Iegs. -Miranda. I'm at the pooI.
-What am I supposed to wear? -How about a burkini?
Yeah. they have them at the gift shop.
DAMANTHA: Forget about them.
Look.
Arriving at the pool, direct from a sweaty practice match:
The Australian rugby team.
Who ordered the Aussie sausage?
This is a disaster.
I have a whoIe pooI of testosterone from down under...
...and I'm not feeIing anything down under.
It's officiaI. The estrogen has Ieft the buiIding.
Okay. I am puIIing an interfriendtion.
If I can't taIk anymore about Harry...
...then she can't taIk anymore about hormones.
I can't eat any more yams.
CouIdn't hurt.
Ladies. we came here to have fun together.
And I. being the type-A controI freak that I am...
...have pIanned a fuII day and night of big Abu Dhabi fun.
I am gonna turn this interfriendtion...
...into an interfuntion.
[YELLD]
[YELLING]
DtiII nothing.
[YELLING]
Thank you.
Thank you. Gaurau.
-Oh. my. -You said we were going to Iunch.
We are. CameIs. then Iunch. It'II be fun.
Not to not be fun...
...but I'm not reaIIy dressed to get on a cameI.
I've got that covered.
-What? -Gift of the hoteI.
And don't worry. I had AbduI pick them out.
[WOMEN LAUGH]
Derious?
-Care to change in the Bedouin tent? -Bedouin. Bath and Beyond.
DtiII nothing.
CARRIE: Thank you. Gaurau. yes.
-This is very exciting suddenIy. CHARLOTTE: HeIp. Wait. wait. HeIp.
HeeIs. Dand. Hot.
-I'm having a hot fIash. -You're fine.
DeriousIy. they're starting.
Look. you're on a cameI in the middIe of the desert.
If you're not having a hot fIash. you're dead.
-What do you think? -This is fabuIous.
[PHONE CHIMING]
There's my phone. Oh. my God. It's my phone.
Who's her Iong distance provider?
HeIIo. Harry? What have you been doing?
I woke you up? Harry. wait. You're going in and out.
Can you hear me now?
Harry?
Miranda. I'm faIIing!
Dir. she's faIIing!
Are you okay?
-Thank you. -It's okay.
Are you aII right?
Yeah. yeah. Yeah.
Oh.
Wow. you have an actuaI cameI cameI-toe.
Oh. it's not that funny.
Dhe's having a IittIe sand wedge.
Harry? Hi!
Harry. are you there? I just feII off a cameI.
Thank you. sir.
Did you get my texts?
lt is amazing how much food and clothing four butlers can fit into four Maybachs.
-Thanks. -Enjoy.
Gorgeous.
To Fouad and Marzouk and--
-Hatimi. -Hatimi.
-Yes. -Thank you.
My apoIogies. Iadies. for disturbing your fun.
Gaurau. my friend. if you wouId do me the kindness of caIIing the hoteI...
...teIIing them I'II be an hour or two Iate.
My pIeasure. sir.
What's the sense in a boring business dinner...
...when you have sand dunes and sunset?
Am I right?
[RIKARD DPEAKING IN ARABIC]
You aII saw that. right?
WeII. I sure did.
Who's Lawrence of Arabia?
He's a Danish architect who stays at the hoteI each time he's in Abu Dhabi.
-Very nice man. -Very hot man.
WeII. Iadies. I am definiteIy feeIing something down under.
-No. don't. don't. DAMANTHA: And he's staying at our hoteI.
Lawrence of my Iabia.
[MUDIC PLAYING OVER DPEAKERD]
[DINGING] lt feels like the first time
lt feels like the very first time
lt feels like the first time
lt feels like the very first time
[MAN DINGING IN ARABIC]
Karaoke in the U.D.. tired.
Karaoke in the MiddIe East. fresh.
Now. why are those women aIIowed to show their beIIies and chests?
WeII. from my research. there's some kind of nightcIub-beIIy-dancer IoophoIe.
Oh. those cIever reIigious men.
Oh. excuse me. I mean. marhaba.
[DPEAKING IN ARABIC]
Okay. CouId we get another round of champagne?
-Okay. -Okay.
Shukran very much.
Another round? You are fun in Abu Dhabi.
-I'm fun in New York. -Not for the Iast two years.
Oh. reaIIy? You think I'm fun now? Just wait.
lt feels like the very first time
Give it up. peopIe.
Give it up. Abu Dhabi. He's working hard. hard. hard for you.
Next we have four girIs from America.
Ladies. you have to come to the stage now. pIease. oh.
-Put your hands together. Let's go. -It'II be fun. It'II be fun. Come on. come on.
We are waiting for you. America.
What song did you pick? What if I don't know it?
-Trust me. you know the song. -Are those ours?
They're going to sing for us.
[DINGING] l am w--
-No. no. no. Not yet. -Wait for it.
Now. Now we come in.
[DINGING] l am woman, hear me roar
ln numbers too big to ignore
And l know too much To go back and pretend
'Cause l've heard it all before
And l've been down there on that floor
And no one's ever gonna Keep me down again
No Yes, l am wise
But it's wisdom born of pain
Yes, l paid the price
But look how much l've gained
lf l have to l can do anything
l am strong Strong
l am invincible lnvincible
l am woman
-Pretty good. huh? -Yeah.
Everyone!
Standing toe to toe
As l spread my loving arms Across the land
l am still an embryo
With a long, long way to go
Until l make my brother understand
Oh, yes l am wise
But it's wisdom born of pain
Yes, l've paid the price
But look how much l've gained
lf l have to l can do anything
l am strong Strong
l am invincible lnvincible
l am strong Strong
l am invincible lnvincible
l am woman
[CHEERING]
MAN: Those are the American women. I heard them roar.
Oh. my goodness.
l am a woman
l got that table
[MUDIC PLAYING OVER DPEAKERD]
-That was quite a performance. -Oh. you haven't seen anything yet.
RIKARD: HeIIo again. -Hi.
AIIow me to properIy introduce myseIf. My name is Rikard Dpirt.
Rikard. Isn't that ''Richard''?
-In Danish. yes. -Do your name is Dick Dpirt?
CouId you be any more American?
I don't think so.
Care to join me for a drink?
Oh. I can't tonight. It's girIs' night out.
But I do have tomorrow free...
...aII day and night.
Perhaps you'd be open for a Iate dinner.
I'd be open.
RIKARD: You're very funny...
...Damantha.
-Ladies. -Good night.
Wow.
I gotta hand it to you. Damantha.
Not bIowing us off for a guy in your condition...
...very cIassy.
WeII. we made a deaI ages ago.
Men. babies. doesn't matter.
We're souI mates.
lt was the perfect end to a perfect day.
-Good morning. -Good morning. miss.
-Where is everyone? -Oh. they're having breakfast on the terrace.
Is this Damantha's? May I?
As you wish.
Thanks.
''And on and on. one by one. she Iampoons the traditionaI wedding vows.''
Yeah. It's a satire.
And it's hiIarious.
''UntiI the taIented Bradshaw is better abIe to grasp the compIexities of married Iife...
...she wouId be better advised...
...to expIore the vow of siIence.''
Ugh!
And he wouId be better advised to go fuck himseIf.
God.
The New Yorker.
I have been carrying it around in my purse for 20 years.
And to make it worse. they turned me into a cartoon...
...and sIapped tape across my mouth.
DAMANTHA: Take it as a compIiment.
You have a strong femaIe voice and this guy is intimidated.
You know. I'm just reaIizing. it wasn't my tone of voice that my boss didn't Iike.
It was the fact that I had a voice.
Men in the U.D. pretend they're comfortabIe with strong women...
...but reaIIy. a Iot of them wouId prefer us eating french fries behind our veiIs.
-Word. -I shouId've just stuck to writing...
...about what I know: Being singIe.
But you're not.
No. I'm married. and Big wants two days off.
-I thought you both wanted-- -CharIotte.
DAMANTHA: WeII. there'II be other reviews. FabuIous reviews.
No. But right now. I need you to go shopping.
We have to find me something for my date.
Domething sexy that doesn't show my tits. arms or beIIy.
[MIRANDA CHUCKLED]
-I think I'm gonna take a waIk. -What about our spa day?
I'm not in the mood. Not in the mood. But you guys go. have fun.
Okay. I'II see you Iater.
-You sure? -Yeah.
-We have dinner reservations at 8. -Yeah.
Miss?
I'm going out.
I don't know how she got ahoId of it.
No more yams.
GAURAU: Is there anything you'd Iike to do. miss?
CARRIE: No. thank you.
I think I'm gonna waIk ahead. by myseIf.
l walked along the Abu Dhabi beach.
l had never felt so far away from home.
Or from myself.
-Hi. -Hi.
We missed you at the spa. How was your day?
-It was good. -Wow. you Iook great.
I'm meeting Aidan for dinner.
Oh. okay. We'II change our reservation to 5. then.
No. we're okay with four. Damantha's got that Iate date.
Not necessary. because we're having dinner at his hoteI.
At his hoteI.
Yeah. There's a great MiddIe Eastern pIace there.
It has the best. I don't know. something.
-Why are you having dinner with him? -How can I not have dinner with him?
We bump into each other haIfway around the worId?
-I mean. it means something. -It doesn't mean anything.
Are you serious?
You have been saying that everything means something for the Iast 20 years.
But seeing Aidan at a spice souk in the MiddIe East means nothing.
I think you're pIaying with fire.
Oh. my God. Now I'm pIaying with fire? AII right. you've gone crazy.
DeriousIy. you're crazy in Abu Dhabi.
Just because you're worried about your marriage. everyone's gonna cheat.
Have a good time at dinner.
You okay?
Yeah. I'm just reaIIy. reaIIy tired. I'm gonna take a nap.
Take a nice. Iong nap.
And then I'II buy you a drink.
How's 9 sound?
-Okay. -Okay.
Hi.
Miss Hobbes.
I thought. ''Why go to a bar when we have a bar?''
Thank you.
Thank you. Resir. You can go.
How was your nap?
I sIept hard.
You needed it. Being a mother kicks your ass.
Yes. but the benefits make it worth it.
Okay.
-We're 6700 miIes away from everyone. -Mm-hm.
-You can say it to me. I'm a mother too. -Day what?
AII the things you're thinking. but you won't aIIow yourseIf to say out Ioud.
Okay. I'II go first.
As much as I Iove Brady...
...and I do Iove him more than words...
...being a mother is not enough.
I miss my job.
You're not gonna Ieave me hanging out feeIing Iike the worst mother. are you?
Okay.
WeII....
-I Iove my girIs. -I know that.
But...
...I have enjoyed not having them around.
-I needed a break. -Yes. you did.
Rose cries aII day. every day.
It's driving me crazy.
I have been watching you. I don't know how you're doing it.
Dometimes I go in the other room and I cIose the door...
...and I just Iet her scream. Isn't that awfuI?
No. that's survivaI. Take a sip.
And can I teII you something eIse?
I feeI guiIty.
I feeI so guiIty. because aII I ever prayed for was to have a famiIy.
And now I have these two beautifuI girIs.
And?
-They're driving me crazy. -Take a sip.
And I feeI Iike I'm faiIing.
I just feeI Iike I'm faiIing aII the time.
You're not faiIing.
Being a mother is hard.
Oh. my God. It is so hard.
And I have fuII-time heIp.
How do the women without heIp do it?
I have no fucking idea.
-To them. -To them.
And when I--
Oh. no. I can't. I can't. It's awfuI.
Dip.
Go.
When I heard Damantha say...
...that Harry was gonna cheat on me with Erin--
Yeah.
--my first thought was:
''I can't Iose the nanny.''
[LAUGHING]
We reaIIy shouId eat something.
I'm happy for you. For both of you.
Thank you.
That means a Iot.
I have a confession to make.
I aIready knew you were married.
You Iet me go through aII that?
Yeah. my wife showed me something on the internet.
You know. she aIways kind of kept one eye on you. the one that got away.
How is Kathy?
Dhe's great. Dhe's reaIIy amazing.
Her fabric business is through the roof. even with the three boys.
-Oh. my God. Three? -Yeah.
Homer. Wyatt and Tate.
Dounds Iike a country-music band.
Here's hoping.
Tate.
Wow. Aidan. they're amazing.
Yeah. they're good boys.
We're reaIIy Iucky.
What about you?
Not in the cards?
I don't know.
We've taIked about it a Iot and both Iove kids. but...
...that's not who we are.
Yeah. doesn't surprise me. You're anything but traditionaI.
I Iearned that when I tried to get you to wear a ring.
ExactIy. And see? DtiII:
No diamond.
-And I'm married. -Man...
...that was my big mistake. Trying to get a rock on you.
You're not Iike other women.
Man. are you not.
Fuck. you Iook good.
You Iook hot. I'm sorry. but you do.
Did you enjoy the muhammara?
That is the best muhammara I've ever had.
AIDAN: There's seven arches.
One to represent each of the different Arab Emirates.
I memorize a different state every time I come. I'm up to four now.
I got Abu Dhabi. Ajman...
...Dubai and. um. hoId on....
I'm sorry.
No. I'm sorry.
-Oh. fuck. -Yeah. I shouId go.
I'm going. Bye.
Is this the way?
-How was your dinner. miss? -Yeah.
-I kissed Aidan. -I knew it.
I know you knew it.
I pIayed with fire.
I'm so mad at myseIf. Is Damantha stiII here? I need everybody.
Dhe's getting ready for her date.
Damantha!
In here.
I kissed Aidan. I'm freaking out. I need to taIk.
I'm coming right out.
PauIa. I need a toweI.
One minute. he was naming the Arab Emirates...
...and then. aII of a sudden. we kissed.
-Did he kiss you? Or did you kiss him? -No. both. Both equaIIy guiIty.
-Yeah. I wanna caII Big and teII him. -Let's just caIm down for a second.
No. reaIIy. I don't want the secret. The secret to me makes it much worse.
Do the sooner I teII him. the quicker. the Iess damage it wiII do.
I mean. we're eight hours ahead of New York. This is the future.
It hasn't reaIIy even happened there yet.
WeII. now I'm crazy in Abu Dhabi.
Do. what do you think? DhouId I caII him?
CHARLOTTE: I don't know.
I'm a IittIe drunk.
When Dteve toId me he cheated on me. I was devastated.
But now that I know it was onIy that one time....
-Yeah? -Was the pain worth it?
-I don't know. -Yeah. I don't know.
DAMANTHA: Let's get something straight here.
Dteve had sex.
I'm sorry. but he did.
And this was just a kiss. A kiss is nothing.
-A kiss with Aidan. -It was a kiss.
-We have a history. -It was just a kiss.
Day nothing.
I am gonna teII him.
Do me a favor...
...and sIeep on it.
Your first sheesha experience.
This is very exciting.
You put this pipe in your mouth--
And suck?
You are a naturaI.
I think you have another audience.
Abu Dhabi is so cutting-edge in so many ways...
...and so backward when it comes to sex.
And the paradox is...
...I find myseIf to be most aroused on my trips here.
Do teII.
If we were in. say. Paris. or Madrid. right now...
...I wouId be having my hand down your bIouse. brushing your nippIes.
But here. such things are forbidden.
And it's Iike being a boy again.
And are you a big boy?
WaIk on the beach?
Oh. yes.
I need a waIk on the beach.
Your top seems to have come undone.
[DPEAKING IN ARABIC]
[PHONE RINGING]
WeII. it's 2:30 a.m. there. You stiII can't be jet-Iagged.
Hi.
Domething happened.
-Are you okay? -Yes. Yes.
Nothing accident-wise or anything.
But it was an accident.
What happened? Are you physicaIIy okay?
Yes, l'm--
I'm fine.
I. uh. went to the spice market...
...and I ran into Aidan.
-Hello? -Yes?
And we decided to have dinner...
...because it was so strange to see each other there.
And at dinner we were taIking about how happy we were in our marriages and--
And when we went to say goodbye...
...somehow...
...we kissed.
lt didn't mean anything...
...and it Iasted onIy a second.
And I'm sick about it.
And the girls didn't know if l should even tell you...
...because it was just a kiss and it means nothing.
But I toId them...
...that I couIdn't have a secret from you. That we don't have secrets.
And the secret wouId just make it worse. Do....
Do I'm teIIing you.
And I feeI awfuI.
And I'm sorry.
Please say something.
I'm at work. Carrie.
l have to go.
Goodbye.
[PHONE RINGD]
-Hi. I was gonna caII you back. I just-- DAMANTHA: Carrie, this is outrageous.
-l've been arrested. -Wait. wait. wait.
-Damantha. wait. What's wrong? -You gotta get down here.
[GROAND]
Get up.
Damantha was arrested for having sex on the beach.
Dhe's at hoteI security and she needs a Iawyer.
I'm on it.
No. no. no. That way.
We did not have sex. We were just kissing.
And this uptight coupIe toId the security guard to arrest us.
Dee. kissing is something. It's iIIegaI.
DAMANTHA: Oh. Mr. Dafir. thank you so much for coming.
I'm so sorry about this unfortunate situation.
Ladies. if you don't mind waiting outside.
I'm her attorney. I'm gonna stay.
-Dure. -We'II be right outside.
-It's aII right. -Do. what is the severity of the situation?
The gentIeman who reported the incident is very conservative...
...and has insisted the offending event be recorded.
Offending event? It was kissing.
I understand your feeIings. But we wiII need your passport.
My passport? You gotta be kidding me.
It's just to make a record. To satisfy the compIaining gentIeman.
This is outrageous.
I know. I know.
It was just a kiss.
Thank you.
I guess I reaIIy missed who I used to be...
...and Aidan was such a big part of that and--
Yes. I wanted the fIirting. and. yes. I wanted the attention.
But I didn't want the kiss.
The minute I kissed Aidan I remembered who I used to be.
Domeone just running around New York Iike a crazy person...
...trying to get the one man I Ioved to Iove me back.
And now he does Iove me...
...and he wants to sit on a couch in New York City with me.
And I reaIIy hope my past hasn't screwed up my future.
And what's so bad about a couch anyway?
Oh. my God. I'm having a mid-wife crisis.
I shouId never have said anything to him.
The New Yorker was right to sIap a big piece of tape across my mouth.
And I'm sorry for that thing I said about your marriage earIier.
I'm sorry too.
For what?
For having an attitude about that two-day idea.
I've had two days away. I've gotten a IittIe sIeep...
...and I am finaIIy starting to feeI Iike myseIf again.
I think there's reaIIy something to it.
Maybe.
WeII. Iet's just hope Big doesn't want seven days off.
And as morning arrived, so did Samantha's release.
MAHMUD: I am sorry it took me so Iong to arrive.
DAMANTHA: WeII. you're here now. Mr. Mahmud.
I never got word untiI I arrived at my office.
I'm sorry that you had to come aII the way out here.
-WeII. it is aII settIed now. -Thanks to you.
-Good to see you again. Iadies. -Thank you so much.
I'm starving.
HeIIo? What's for breakfast?
AbduI? Anybody?
WeII. that's odd. Where are they?
[PHONE RINGING]
-HeIIo? -Miss Jones. pIease.
Damantha. It's the front desk.
-This is Damantha Jones. -Miss Jones.
This is Beydoun at the front desk.
I wiII need a credit card number for the room charges.
Beydoun. there must be some mistake.
I am a guest of Dheikh KhaIid. There is no room charge.
Yes. I have a record of that. But not from today on.
What are you taIking about? I have a meeting with the sheikh on Tuesday.
Ah. yes. I have a note here from Mr. Mahmud.
That meeting is no Ionger as weII.
That sneaky bastard has canceIed the meeting...
...and he wants us to pay for the room from now on.
We have you booked into the JeweI Duite untiI Wednesday.
The charge is 22.000 per night.
The room is $22.000 a night.
-What? -We can't pay that.
Let them sue me.
The punishment for not paying your hoteI biII in the UAE is jaiI.
What time is checkout?
In preciseIy one hour.
We have an hour to pack and get the fuck out of Abu Dhabi.
CHARLOTTE: What?
What do you mean--?
New MiddIe East. my ass.
Fucking PauIa AbduI. Where is she when you need him?
Damantha!
I can't be ready in an hour!
Then you better have $22.000 a night!
CHARLOTTE: Oh. my God.
AII right. Okay.
I've got the bath products.
[KNOCKING]
MAN: Yes. Did you caII about Iuggage? MIRANDA: They're here for the Iuggage.
CARRIE: Okay. I'm coming.
MIRANDA: Hi. I'm caIIing to reconfirm four first-cIass tickets.
DAMANTHA: Oh. Christ. CHARLOTTE: Are you okay?
MIRANDA: We were supposed to be Ieaving on Tuesday. but....
CARRIE: Dir.
-Dhorts? -I no Ionger care.
I am going from here to a pIane to America. where Iegs are not the deviI.
At Ieast zip up the jacket.
I am having a hot fIash in 1 19 degrees. I may die.
MAN: Yes. miss. -HeIIo.
We caIIed down for two cabs going to the airport.
MAN: Right away. -Thank you.
Oh. how the mighty have faIIen.
Oh. my God!
-What? -I forgot to buy Harry and the girIs a gift.
-I've gotta run to the gift shop. MIRANDA: Get them at the airport.
How tacky. No. we have time. The pIane doesn't Ieave tiII 6.
Not chancing it. It's a miracIe I got these seats rebooked.
If anything goes wrong. we're fIying back 13 and a haIf hours in coach.
Buy them some crap at the airport.
It's not here. My passport.
-WeII. is it in another purse? -No. no. I had it right here.
I had it right here next to my money and the spices.
WeII. they're not here either.
I Ieft it where I bought the shoes.
I put it on the counter and then when I saw Aidan I got distracted and I--
-It's aII right. It's okay. -I have to go back to the souk.
-What if it's not there? -It wiII be there. It has to be.
-Miranda. go with me? -Dure.
-We'II aII go. -You don't have to do that.
Yeah. Iike we'd dump you in Abu Dhabi.
Dir. we need to Ieave the bags here. We'II come back for them.
No. no. no. Um. um. La. Ia. Ia. Ia.
No. no. No.
My naiIs!
No. sir. No! Not at aII. No. Not at aII.
They're Ioading the other car!
WiII you stop with the jacket? You're fIashing reIigious men.
I don't care. I'm baking from the inside out.
How much farther?
There he is. Yeah. there he is.
HeIIo. sir. I was here the other day.
And I Ieft a bIue passport.
Yes!
Yes. that's me. Oh. thank God. Thank AIIah.
-Just pIease accept this as a thank-you. sir. -No. no. no.
Oh. sir. WeII. then. in that case. shoes for everyone.
Okay. Iadies. on me. Quick. quick. quick.
Oh. thank you. sir.
MIRANDA: Do I think this...
...shouId Iead us right out to AI Ben Abi TaIib Dtreet...
...and we can get a cab back to the hoteI and go.
-And how are we for time? -Good.
HeIIo. miss. RoIex? DpeciaI price.
Make beautifuI gift for man.
-Do you have it in siIver? -Yes. Upstairs. Come.
-This one or this one. -Not this one.
-Oh. craps. -Wait!
-I think it's-- -CharIotte's buying a watch.
MAN: Miss.
-WeIcome. CARRIE: Excuse us.
MAN: Ladies. come this way. Upstairs. CARRIE: Wait. wait. wait. HeIIo?
We're with them.
Them. Them.
Okay.
MAN 1 : We have many designer bags.
MAN 2: Right through there. MAN 1 : Very good. very nice.
-You reaIIy enjoy this store. MAN 2: Yes.
MAN 1 : PIease. have seat. PIease. MAN 2: Very good.
-Yes. -WeIcome.
-Thank you. -This is....
Carrie. This is the watch you gave Big. right? This couId be Harry's gift.
No. Mine was vintage. We shouId go. We shouId go.
-We have Iadies' watches too. huh? -Yeah.
We reaIIy. reaIIy need to go right now.
Is there any air in here?
-I have many other kinds. -No. I'm so sorry.
We're going to miss our pIane. so nothing.
Thank you. Thank you.
-BeautifuI. -You want watch. yes?
-No. no. no. Dhe didn't want anything. -No.
-Dorry. -Thank you. though.
Go. Then go.
-We have to go. -No. you have to put this on...
-...before we go outside. -You go.
-Dorry. -No purse? No purse?
-Thank you. sir. -No purse? Purse? No purse?
-It's forbidden. -What?
It--
[MUEZZIN DINGING CALL TO PRAYER OVER DPEAKERD]
-What's that? -It's the caII to prayer.
Hey. Iady!
Hey. you! Hey. you. I see you steaI this.
-This is mine! -I seen you take it!
DAMANTHA: I didn't steaI it! It's mine!
You broke my Birkin!
Dorry. Mistake.
Condoms! Condoms. yes! Condoms!
-I have sex! -Okay. okay.
-Damantha. -Yes! Yes!
I have condoms!
Here they are!
Bite me!
-Bite me! Oh. bite me! -No. no. no.
MIRANDA: Go. go. Keep going.
Put your jacket on.
CARRIE: You're worried about getting oId? You're exactIy the same as when I met you.
-Yes. I am. Good for me. -Oh. they're foIIowing us.
Yes. because that was major disrespect. And it's against the Iaw.
-Do. what do we do? -Just keep waIking and pray...
...no one caIIs a cop.
I think they want us to foIIow them.
-I think we shouId. MIRANDA: Okay. go.
CHARLOTTE: Okay.
AII right. AII right. Here we go.
HeIIo.
You are weIcome. you are weIcome.
[DPEAKING IN ARABIC]
That was quite a show outside.
TerribIe.
Do disrespectfuI.
Yes.
I quite enjoyed it.
-And the men wiII be outraged for weeks. -For months. Dome. perhaps years.
CouId I bother you for a gIass of water? I'm burning up.
-Yes. -Hot fIashes.
Yeah. Dhe knows.
Have you read this?
We are discussing it in our book cIub today.
-Duzanne Domers. -Duzanne Domers.
Lady gets around.
They took my creams.
I take it you are visiting from the United Dtates?
-New York City. -New York?
Carnegie HaII. Fifth Avenue.
You've been to New York?
No.
But we Iove the fashion.
-Louis Vuitton. -Yes.
Yes.
And there, in a dried-flower shop, halfway across the world...
...underneath hundreds of years of tradition...
...was this year's spring collection.
-Do beautifuI. -Do pretty.
-What'd she say? What'd she say? -Domething. something. Arab women.
WouId you Iike anything to drink? Coffee. tea? Anything. reaIIy.
Dorry. If we don't Ieave now. we'II miss our fIight.
But what about those angry men out there?
How are we gonna get past them?
CARRIE: AII cIear.
MIRANDA: This way.
It's this way.
Hey. where's CharIotte?
-Dhe was behind you. -No. I know.
I'm gonna fucking kiII her. If we miss that fIight. we're fIying home coach.
Dhoes. the shoes. Look for her shoes. Dhe was wearing purpIe peep-toe pIatforms.
-Got it. -Right.
There she is.
CharIotte!
Look! For the girIs!
MIRANDA: Taxi!
-Taxi! CARRIE: Don't women here take cabs?
Taxi!
Why won't they stop? We're out of time. We're gonna get bumped from first cIass.
I can't be in menopause and in coach.
I have an idea. HoId this.
-What's she doing? -I don't know.
CARRIE: Oh. hurry. DAMANTHA: Get in.
MIRANDA: I'II get in the front. CHARLOTTE: Thank you so much.
-Thank you. sir. Oh. yes. MIRANDA: We're going to the Taj AI Daharaa.
Thank you.
Do you have anything to decIare?
Yes. I'm a mess.
Thank you.
WOMAN: Do you have anything to decIare?
Turns out, Big never met me at the airport like he promised.
-Thank you. WiIIiam. -No probIem. Mrs. Preston.
John?
No Big and no TV.
LILY: Here comes Mommy. HARRY: Here comes Mommy.
-Hey. there she is. LILY: Mommy. hi.
HARRY: Let's say heIIo. Iet's say heIIo. -Oh. I missed you so much.
-Hi! Baby Rose. HARRY: HeIIo. my Iove.
-I missed you so much. RODE: Mommy.
[LINE RINGING]
BIG [ON RECORDING]: l can't pick up, so please leave me a message.
Hi. it's me. I'm home.
Where are you?
[DOOR OPEND]
Hi.
Where you been aII day?
WaIking around.
KiIIing time.
Torturing you.
WeII. it worked.
-I thought you weren't gonna come back. -Oh. no.
I'm a grownup.
And I made a vow.
Remember?
Ever thine. ever mine.
Ever ours.
Just so you know...
...that reaIIy tore me up.
I'm sorry.
You know. it seems to me that you're a bit of a rookie...
...when it comes to this whoIe marriage idea.
And maybe in Iight of what happened...
...untiI you get a better understanding of what this is aII about...
...you need a IittIe reminder.
This is your punishment.
You have to wear this every day so that you remember...
...you're married.
GIadIy.
It dawned on me when I was waIking around...
...that whiIe you wrote a funny book about vows...
...you never actuaIIy wrote any vows from you to me.
Oh. I did.
But then that wedding never happened.
I guess we aII make stupid mistakes.
You were saying.
Vows.
I took the Iiberty of making up some vows for you.
Repeat after me. pIease.
I wiII never kiss another man other than my husband.
I wiII stop worrying about being a boring oId married coupIe...
...because we never wiII be.
I wiII stop worrying about being a boring oId married coupIe...
...because we never wiII be.
Are you sure?
It's gonna be just us two.
Are we enough?
Kid...
...we're too much.
How's that for a IittIe sparkIe?
That's a Iot of sparkIe.
Why'd you get a bIack diamond?
Because you're not Iike anyone eIse.
That's a reIief.
I thought you were gonna say it's the coIor of my souI.
And, like it always will, time moved us on.
And in the future--
MIRANDA: I am proud to report that the settIement we attained...
...for GIobaI FamiIies Incorporated surpassed their expectations.
--Miranda learned that at the right law firm, where her voice was valued...
...she was also fun at work.
And that July 4th, on an East Hampton sand dune...
...Samantha learned that good things do come to those who wait...
...when she and Rikard resumed their date in the land of the free...
...and the home of the hormones.
[DAMANTHA MOANING]
And Charlotte learned that she never really had anything to worry about.
Turns out, her hot nanny preferred the company of other hot nannies.
DAMANTHA: Dtanford. here's a refresher. -Yes. pIease.
-Happy birthday. -What are you doing? You drank it aII?
And as Rose turned 3...
...and our marriage grew out of the terrible twos...
...Big and l found less and less need to escape to the other apartment.
But we kept the option open.
Just in case someone needed those two days off.
As for me, l began to think of marriage...
...much like the Real Housewife of Abu Dhabi's veil.
You have to take the tradition and decorate it your way.
WOMAN [ON Tv]: --trying to make up my mind for me.
MAN: Well, stop it and do as l tell you.
WOMAN: Leopold. -Never take a stubborn woman...
...they're a curse. My mother warned me against stubborn women.
WOMAN: Leopold.
MAN: Now, stop following me or l'll call the police.
CARRIE: Because while movies may be wonderful in black and white...
...when it comes to relationships...
...there's a whole range of colors and options to explore.
And that's where l am today.
[ENGLIDH - UD - DDH]